LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
