i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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