if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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