we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
