is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
