i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
