absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
