What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
