My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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