His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
In other news, I just burned my penis
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
