It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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