yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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