Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
