I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
