all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize