He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
