On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
