dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
