i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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