yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Sorry my hands just texted you
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
