This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
