So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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