Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I could have mohawked her pubes.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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