im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
S and I had anal without a condom because I'm on my rag but he didn't finish. Should I still take Plan B?
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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