I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
