A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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