he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
