you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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