words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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