Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
