how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
