I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
