We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
