Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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