Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
