In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
