it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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