my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
