This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
