You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
