I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
