I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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