Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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