I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
