no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
