Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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