I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
