I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
