the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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