I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
