The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize