dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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