she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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