just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
