Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
