Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
