Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
