Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
