I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
