We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
