now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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