Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
