his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
