WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
